This is a really hard post for me to write... but I know that one day I will look back, read it and realise just how far I have come! I know that I have started my journey and I am on the right path now but sadly this has not always been true!
I used to be so confident and outgoing...in my early twenties I was the life of the party and nothing phased me at all. I was self assured in all areas of my life and I was happy, despite being single and not having everything worked out.
As I started to get older and the length of time being single increased each year... I watched what seemed like endless birthdays, Valentine's Days, Christmases go past. I got more and more down in the dumps. Looking at all my friends doing amazing things and seeing travel photos, marriages and babies appear on Facebook every week was really hard and I found myself hating me even more.
I was in and out of depression (not diagnosed) and a generally unhappy person. I would have times when I suffered from panic attacks where I would burst into tears about being single or alone and sometimes be unable to get my breath back. The worst thing was this was impacting on my family, especially my parents who didn't like seeing their youngest daughter in such a different state to the little girl they watched grow up and once be so happy.
On top of this, I had anxiety which presented itself in different ways, I was going to sleep at 8.30pm most nights because I was physically exhausted, I was sometimes having to call in and have days off because I couldn't face work, I was lonely and would quite often sit on my couch and cry at who I had become, I was embarrassed and the only thing I felt like I had control over was my job (which was my area of strength). Further still my doctor wanted to put me on anti-depressants which I really was opposed to because of the way they made me feel...I truly no longer was myself!
I tried to hide all of this by dating! Deep down I knew what people said was true..."you have to love yourself before others can" but I thought this was rubbish and kept telling myself that I would meet someone who loved me for me! Over the past 2 years I have been on probably upwards of 70-80 dates. Mainly from internet dating sites and dreaded Tinder. Each date taught me something about myself but also each date took a little bit more away from me! Some of the comments I got from guys were about my weight and that I shouldn't hold out hope, others said that I just wasn't their type physically, others stood me up, others claimed I had falsely advertised myself (I guess due to not stating that I was size 16-18). I slowly disintegrated into somebody who believed she was worthless and 'that girl' who was willing to compromise on everything...I just wanted someone - I therefore dated anyone even if there were things about them that weren't ideal. Not all guys were bad but the feelings I got from constant rejection played heavily on my heart and changed who I was and what I thought about myself.
I realised that I had zero self worth! I was (and still am) making excuses for myself and thinking that I am not good enough for other people. I am someone who doesn't like failing or letting people down and I put up walls so that the fall is not so great! Still today, I struggle with being ok with who I am. I still apologise a lot more that I should and I question why anybody would actually want to be my friend. I am trying hard to work on this though and forget the voices of boyfriends past who have added fuel to this nasty fire!
On top of all of this I was pushing 100kgs and I knew that if I kept going the way I was, then it was only a matter of time before health conditions like diabetes, heart conditions, varicose veins would come knocking on my door. The time was now!
I now have tears running down my cheeks so excuse the spelling mistakes! I can hardly see what I am typing!
I decided that I needed to change for me! Not for anybody else or any guy... just for me! So I stamped 2016 as the Year of Waveney. When my friend Mel got in touch with me again about Isagenix I bit the bullet and thought that this might just be the kickstart that I needed...little did I know it would transform my life!
I hope you enjoy reading my journey of change and recreation! If there is anything that resonates with you and you think that I could help you like Mel did with me then get in contact using the form at the side of the blog!
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